Stuffed Like Pillows

“Oh, wow!” I whispered, exaggerating the “ow” to show exactly how impressed I was. Brooke held up a knitted baby blanket in the palest pink I’d ever seen. All the girls went nuts, roaring and clapping in delight. Her soft, dainty hands were perfect with a porcelain finish. Her newly minted gel nails twirled and flipped like they were a commercial for a beauty salon. Brooke’s baby bump was smaller around than my actual thigh. I kinda wanted to borrow some of that shiny, gorgeous mermaid hair to cover my worsening hormonal bald spot – not even gonna lie. I sat holding a polystyrene plate of pasta, four deviled eggs, and something fried with a curly lemon rind on top. I wasn’t even done with my food yet, but I was already eyeballing seconds. My swollen feet were stuffed like pillows into brand new shoes; the soles of my feet were on fire. I was pretty sure my right pinky toe was gangrene. But at least the XXL tent dress I wore was comfortable and semi-adorable.

Brooke made 8 months of pregnancy look like a cake walk with frosting on top. I made 8 months of pregnancy look like a barnyard explosion. It’s like I woke up pregnant one day and the universe was like, “You got punked.”

Being pregnant was the worst. It sucked hard. I’ve only been pregnant once, but I swear to God, it was for like 2 years. Okay, relax Michelle Duggar, I’m not baby shaming, blah blah, I’m talking about the physical atrocity that happens to your body and mind when you’re preggers.

In no particular order, here is my list that should serve as birth control for the millennials:

1 – Everyone you know smells like chicken. And cheese. It’ll make you vomit. Don’t be fooled: morning sickness is a lie pregnant women made up so you don’t feel bad about yourself. Because seriously, you smell like chicken.

2 – The only three shirts that still fit have to be dry cleaned all. the. time. Dry cleaning is absurd. It’s like the clothes are charging you for wearing them.

3 – Epic meltdowns in the paint aisle at Home Depot are real. Get ready to ride high on the struggle bus of lady emotion.

4 – Welcome to a lifetime of previously unknown heartburn. It would feel better to swallow a ball of cat hair tossed with cinnamon.

5 – Forget about your engagement ring. Remember how when you first got engaged, you’d start all your conversations with a subtle touch to the face, a giggle, and flip of the hair as your hand caught the sunlight coming through the window? Just throw the ring away because it will never fit again.

6 – You’ll still go to bars with your friends, only you’ll order off the kids’ drink menu. Since being an adult sometimes includes alcoholic drinks, you’ll panic and order a virgin piña colada at 10am on a rainy day. You’ll have brain freeze for 9 months.

Except for Brooke, none of these things happened to her.

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