While You Were Sleeping

I was bitterly aware of the imaginary clock ticking above my head. Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock. While the world was sleeping under a velvety sheath of black sky, there I lay, my mind spinning and twirling until the minutes merged into morning. My eyes followed a splash of light making its way across the ceiling, no doubt from the headlights of my neighbor’s teenage son’s car. My husband’s relentless snoring seemed intentional, but that’s just crazy talk. It wasn’t fair. I wanted to sleep, too. I needed to sleep. It had been days, and I was this close to selling my soul to satan. From personal experience, going on insomnia benders can only result in two things. The first is a type of clarity where artistic ideas flow and ingenuity abounds. The second is my specialty: becoming more and more dreadful in appearance until one day you’re noticeably bats in the belfry.

insomnia pic 1(Photo credit: rottenecards.com)

Insomnia sucks. It’s like your brain disregards a most basic need with reckless abandon; it’s the ultimate betrayal of mind against body without a nudge of remorse. The ironic thing about insomnia is that the harder you fight it, the more futile the attempt. As I lay staring at the ceiling, all I could hear was the voice of the late MacDonald Carey, “Like sands through the hourglass…so are The Days of Our Lives.” It was driving me insane. And this is the story I’ve been living for the last five years of my life.

Due to my husband’s superhuman ability to tune me out and sleep through most anything, I have taken up all sorts of nocturnal interests he knows nothing about. In fact, my insomnia induced noise-making is so perpetual, I’ve become like human white noise from which he’ll never wake. Here are my two favorite insomnia-fueled nocturnal rituals:

Infomercials – I am certain that there is no TV commercial more cruel than the infomercial. However, I have discovered that they are both positively a late night entertainment staple and very enlightening. Some of my favorites include: The Magic Bullet, The Baby Bullet, Nutrisystem, Forever Lazy, Billy Bank’s Tae Bo, Proactive Solution Acne Treatment, Bowflex, and where would we be without the Flowbee? I’m always intrigued by the audience members in these commercials who seem fascinated by the stuff that the rest of us are just mocking. However, by the fourth time Pajama Jeans had aired last night, I was surely fascinated and convinced I needed a pair, and ordered them rushed shipping. Mom jeans anyone? Because they’ll be here Tuesday.

 Insomnia pic 4

(Photo credit: Pajama Jeans)

SkyMall – After I exhausted all other options via Huffington Post, CNN, Psychology Today, and TMZ, I turned to SkyMall where I read every product description out loud in the voice of Oprah’s Favorite Things Giveaway. SkyMall is your one-stop shop to everything first world: chocolate covered steak to organic cotton sheets for your pet rock. By the way, I’m pretty sure the only person who thinks SkyMall’s Dog Crate End Table is pure genius, is my mom. In any case, after perusing the pages of SkyMall at 4am, these happened:

I was lured in by the appeal of the Nose Aid,

 insomnia pic 2

(Photo Credit: SkyMall)

 and the Bacon Genie.

insomnia pic 3

(Photo Credit: SkyMall)

Last night I also painted a wall, read two articles on how to lose weight in your sleep (the irony just kills me), and vacuumed the stairs. And all while you were sleeping.

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